How to Help an Addict Without Enabling

This distorted view can delay or even prevent seeking treatment.

The good news is that there are several ways to encourage your loved one to stop using and get the professional help they need.

You may have heard of the six dysfunctional family roles in addiction before. As family members adapt to the unpredictable nature of their loved one’s addiction, each individual copes in their own way. These coping skills usually fit into one of six different categories or “roles” within the family. Each role enables the individual with the problem in some way, either directly or indirectly.

The addict is the individual who abuses substances and becomes the focal point of the family. Most of the family’s attention is directed toward the addict whether they realize it or not. The addict takes time, energy, and money from their families. Family members enable the addict’s behavior by covering up for mistakes or behaving a certain way to maintain the status quo.

The scapegoat serves as the stand-in focal point of the family. As the addict causes much of the confusion in the family, the scapegoat acts out in defiance or hostility. They provoke negative attention which distracts from the addict’s unpredictable behavior. Their actions provide a false sense of control over the situation but divert attention from where it should be. The scapegoat steps up as a distraction for the family and keeps them from looking at and addressing the true source of the problem.

The mascot acts as the comedian who aims to relieve stress and tension through humor. They ease their feelings of powerlessness and lack of control with silliness by finding the jokes in the situation. The mascot is usually an active busybody, staying in constant motion to keep from slowing down and considering the reality of the situation. Drawing attention away from the addict by keeping things light-hearted may seem like a way to help their family. In reality, though, it only enables the addict to continue with their destructive behavior.

The lost child is the quiet one in the family who does what they can to keep the attention on everyone but themselves. They do their best to blend into the background and fly under the radar. The lost child stays out of the way as the other family members take turns at center stage. These individuals limit their time in the middle of the chaotic family dynamic and let others draw attention to themselves.

The caretaker is one of the two family roles that most directly enable the addict. They are the person who covers for the addict and cleans up the messes they leave behind. The caretaker also tries to keep the rest of the family happy as they appease the addict. They often see themselves as martyrs. They spend all their time and energy trying to balance each member of the family. In reality, the caretaker keeps the chaotic, dysfunctional cycle going by neglecting to address the problem and shielding the addict from any consequences instead.

The hero is the other family role that enables the addict most. They take the lead on making sure the family appears normal to anyone looking in from the outside. The hero spends all their time, energy, and attention on trying to maintain the status quo. They do their best to keep the dysfunction in the home to a minimum, but their actions only serve to place a band-aid over the real problem. Heroes are the over-responsible and self-sufficient family members and they tend to be perfectionists. Their insistence on looking perfect from the outside not only enables the addict but it keeps the entire family sick.

At first, codependency masquerades as being helpful. No one wants to see their loved one in pain. Your actions are intended to help your loved one to avoid hurting themselves or others. This could be something like allowing your adult child to live in your home as they try to stop using substances. Maybe you cover for your inebriated spouse when their employer calls.

Every family member must be on board with learning to stop enabling the addict. They’re not going to get well if someone continues stepping in every time the addict gets into trouble. You must make sure that each person is willing to do what it takes to recognize their enabling habits.